Let God have your life; He can do more with it than you can. — D.L. Moody
There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens; …He has made everything beautiful in his time… (Ecclesiastes 3: 1 & 11a)
Leon became a minister in September 1979 at the age of 27. I, therefore, became a minister’s wife.
We wanted to have children right after we graduated from the seminary. God in His infinite wisdom, knew we could not handle too much adjustment, so He did not give us our first son, CC, until two years later. During the next ten years of my life, I had to learn to be a mother and a minister’s wife. Unlike the academic learning curve I had in my twenties, the two learning curves I encountered in my thirties were extremely steep.
Learning to Be a Mother
The birth of CC ushered in a new phase of my life. Knowing that Leon would be away most evenings and weekends, I decided to resign from my instructor position at Old Dominion University a few months after CC was born, allowing me to spend more time with him. I remember a member advised me to reconsider my “foolish act.” To him, giving up a decent and fairly well-paying job to take care of CC was not worth it. Till now, I have never regretted the time I stayed home taking care of my children. There is a time for everything and a season for every activity under the heavens. I knew God would make everything beautiful inHis time (Ecclesiastes 3:1 & 11a). I knew there would be a time for being a professional woman.
CC and KK, my second son, are two years and four months apart. CC and YY, my youngest daughter, are almost eight years apart. I am always grateful that God granted us three normal developing children. It gave me great comfort to know that they do not have any disabilities like my brother Chiu. This also teaches me an important lesson on not to worry about tomorrow “for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own” (Matthew 6:34). I was determined to bring up my children so that they will grow “in wisdom and stature, and in favor with God and man” (Luke 2:52).
To bring in some money, I started babysitting my neighbor’s child soon after KK turned one year old. At times, I felt exhausted and very isolated trying to take care of three children under four years old. No amount of book knowledge can prepare me for caring for and bringing up children.
On top of that, KK was extremely difficult to take care of during the first six years of his life. He had severe atopic and contact dermatitis, food allergies, and asthma. His skin was always red, patchy, and cracked. Not only was his clothing made of cotton, but I also wore a cotton smock over my clothes to prevent him from developing more eczema when he rubbed his skin against my clothes. If he had eaten or come in contact with anything that his system could not tolerate, he would have rashes, projectile vomiting, and diarrhea. Several times, he was hospitalized because of severe allergic reactions. Asthma was the most trying ordeal. When he had asthma attacks, he could not breathe. I had to hold him upright all the time, therefore, I could not lie down to sleep. Detroit Children’s Hospital would not admit KK until he became dehydrated from vomiting. He was hospitalized at least two times a year for asthma – Labor Day weekend and Memorial Day weekend, when the humidity changes. Each hospitalization lasted a week. I remember once lying on a folding bed beside him in the hospital, praying to God while I was pregnant with YY. I begged God to mitigate his condition so that I could take care of my family and work after YY was born. God in His infinite mercy answered my prayer! His condition improved and was hospitalized less often after YY was born. It was not until one year after we moved to another state, an area with low humidity, that his asthma attacks miraculously disappeared.
I am always grateful to God for giving me good-natured and adaptable children. Though KK was always sick and could not even play on the playground during recess or take physical education lessons, he never complained, whined, or expected special treatment from us. Because of his sickness, he did not have too many social interactions with other children. Despite this, he grew up to be a friendly and caring child. Our whole family, including CC, spent many nights at the Children’s Hospital’s Emergency Unit, while waiting for KK’s admission. CC often just slept like a log through the night while one of us held him. He was ready to go to school the next day. Though the two boys are only two years apart, they are not competitive or jealous of each other.
When YY was born, I worked part-time in the Planning Office of the City of Royal Oak and the City of Ferndale. I was unhappy with YY’s babysitter, yet I did not want to ask our church ladies for assistance. To my pleasant surprise, during a church picnic, Mrs. Kwong, one of our church’s most faithful members, volunteered to take care of YY for me. She is a Godsend for she is a very caring and loving lady. Though she needed to take care of her husband constantly, who had muscular dystrophy, she was very willing to take care of YY. She had three adult sons. She confided in me that she always longed to have a daughter. YY brought much joy to this couple since they were homebound due to Mr. Kwong’s condition. Their three sons doted on YY as well. I am forever grateful to the Kwongs. Mrs. Kwong took care of YY until she was almost two years of age when we moved to a new state.
Learning to Be a Minister’s Wife
Learning to care for, love, and support Leon has not been too difficult, but learning to be a minister’s wife is something that I cannot depend upon my human effort and wisdom.
Playing the role of the church’s “eldest daughter-in-law” and constantly living in a fishbowl under the congregation’s scrutiny makes many ministers’ wives feel they are under intense pressure. Thank God! He helped me to understand that being an “eldest daughter-in-law” like my mother gave me many opportunities to offer loving services. I often gave my handmade embroidery and shared my homemade dim sums and American desserts with members of the congregation. I learned from my mother’s example that it is extremely important to show respect and love to every member of the extended family. Unfortunately, not every Christian is loving. Without God’s grace, a young minister and his wife would not have the wisdom and patience to care, love, and respect a congregation consisting of four dialects/languages speaking people, each with different subcultural backgrounds on top of their educational and socioeconomic differences.
The first hurdle I had to overcome during Leon’s first pastorate was learning Mandarin and Toisanese simultaneously. To me, the church was the ultimate Babel. Until I could understand and speak both dialects, my interaction with and my service to the congregation would be limited to the Cantonese and English-speaking brothers and sisters. Fortunately, after half a year, I began to understand most conversational Mandarin, but it took me longer to learn to converse in Mandarin. Learning Toisanese is a different story. The Toisanese sound system and vocabulary are drastically different from Cantonese and Mandarin. The vocabulary of the Toisanese dialect is like a pictorial description of an object or action, which seems like a riddle to me. (For example, a ladder is a lean against, stand.) To this day, I can only speak very few Toisanese words. Fortunately, most of the Toisanese-speaking seniors were very patient with me. They repeated what they wanted to say to me until I gradually grasped the content of their message.
Because I grew up in an extended family where women, like my grandmothers, and people with disabilities, like my brother, have been despised, discriminated against, and bullied all their lives, I often have a tender heart toward those who are living in disappointment, pain, shame, and fear. Besides offering them a listening ear, comfort, and empathy, I share the word of God with them through Bible Study, prayer, counseling, visits, and even opening our home to women and children who suffer domestic violence.
Leon and I knew we were a young minister couple. Many lessons would take us a whole life to learn. However, we were conscientious to live out a life of faith, hope, and love. Though “we have been made a spectacle” to the Chinese around us (1 Corinthians 4:9), we, with God’s help could withstand pressure and serve diligently. We felt our life had been rewarding. Through the years, many church members have shown their love to us by praying for us. They also give us their home-grown fruits and vegetables and the food they prepare. We are a family in the Lord.
We moved to another state towards the end of 1990 in response to Leon’s calling to be the senior pastor of an American Chinese Church. CC and KK were in fourth and second grade, respectively. YY was almost two years old. I decided to stay home again and help my family transition to the unfamiliar environment. I knew it would be extremely difficult to find another replacement babysitter, like Mrs. Kwong, to take care of YY. I also wanted to make up for the time I had not spent with her while she was a baby. The two boys were much older then, they had many more adjustments to make. This church was bigger and had many children and teenagers. The congregation was looking forward to me actively serving in these two areas. Additionally, I knew I had to support Leon more in hospitality and visitation as we started to get to know the congregation.
This church almost doubled during our stay in this church. Leon and I were busily involved in church services and enjoyed the congregation’s fellowship. I always thank God for giving us responsible, independent, and self-disciplined children. I was and still am grateful to and proud of my children. Without their cooperation, I do not think I could be so involved in church service, and later on, as a student, then as a professional woman.
The two boys had already established a routine in their schoolwork. I never had to push them to study or work hard. Nobody from the school or the church had ever complained to me about their behavior. They excelled academically. They also took good care of YY, when I was busy at the church or away from home. YY, being the youngest, learned a lot by observing and imitating her two older brothers. It is a joy to see the three siblings get along so well. Those were the happiest times of my life. By the time we left this church, CC was ready to attend college.
Gradually, I realized that though God had called me to serve Him and had provided me with a free seminary education, Chinese churches in the United States were not ready to accept a woman, especially a minister’s wife, on staff. This was and still is an incomprehensible and regrettable experience for me. However, I never doubted God’s calling. I will remain faithful to the end, regardless of the circumstances.
Learning to be a School Psychologist
Due to financial reasons, I planned to reenter the workforce when CC entered Middle School. I had planned to take some courses in Education and become a teacher. Both Leon and I thought this was the best choice. Working in a school would allow my children and I to share the same schedule, and I can still care for them when they come home from school. Furthermore, I had teaching experience and had taken many education courses. The Bible states, “A person’s steps are directed by the Lord. How then can anyone understand their own way?” (Proverbs 20:24). Indeed, God had another plan for me, one that was far greater than I could have ever imagined or planned for.
One day in the spring of 1992, while collecting information at a State University on how to become an English as a Second Language teacher, I met the Dean of the Education Department. Upon learning my background, the Dean, to my surprise, suggested that I should pursue a degree in bilingual School Psychology. She thought I would make an excellent bilingual school psychologist with my language, culture, education, and teaching background. She also indicated to me that since very few people could meet the qualifications for this profession, the federal government gave a stipend of 400 dollars per month for each qualified student.
At that time, I was not aware of the existence of such a profession and what the job entails. When the Dean explained to me that the main responsibilities of a school psychologist are to assess and determine if a school-age child has a disability and prepare an Independent Education Plan for such a child, I could not believe what I heard. How could this Dean, whom I have never met, know that these kinds of special education services were something my parents have been seeking for Chiu in the last thirty-some years? Though Chui had already passed away by that time, I felt I could not give up this opportunity to serve children with a disability and to fulfill my parents’ dreams.
The dean strongly encouraged me to pursue this degree. I recognized that this was part of God’s plan, as it says in Isaiah 55:9, “God’s way is higher than our way; God’s thoughts are higher than ours.” Because of this conviction, I decided to re-enter college in my early forties to further my education.
I am incredibly grateful to my family for their support. I took several crash courses each summer so my workload would not be so heavy during the regular semesters. During the first summer, my in-laws helped take care of the children. Later on, Leon took his vacation during the time of my summer courses so that he could take care of the children. During the days that I had classes and practicum, YY attended daycare. I picked CC up from school and went straight to my classes. CC had many responsibilities. He ensured that KK would arrive home safely after the school bus dropped him off. They did their homework until Leon came home with YY. The rest of the family ate dinner with the food I had prepared earlier in the day. Very often, Leon had church engagements in the evening. When I had late classes, the three children were on their own for about an hour. They never got into fights or accidents. They had their homework finished when I came home. They were much older when I started working. CC sometimes started preparing dinner while waiting for me to be home. I am always thankful to God for giving me a supportive family.
I was grateful that my monthly stipend was enough to cover the boys’ piano lessons and YY’s daycare fees. My world began to widen too. The Federal government sent me to Beijing, Shanghai, and Xiamen to participate in an International Psychologists Symposium; Honolulu, Hawaii to attend a conference, and later to Hong Kong to research the Special Education situation there. I felt I had gained much independence and freedom.
When CC entered high school, I began working as a certified trilingual school psychologist (English, Cantonese, Mandarin). Later, I became a District Administrator and retired as a supervisor of school psychologists after working in the public-school systems for twenty years. During all these years, I did my best to help students and parents. I was conscientious in everything that I did. I did everything as if I were dedicating it to my brother and parents.
Learning to Expand My Service in a Broader Ministry
In retrospect, I realized that God was not just preparing a stable job with a decent salary for me, but He was opening a wider door of ministry for me. Because so few Chinese from overseas have experience in assessment, counseling, behavior management of school-age children, and working in the American school system, many churches and Chinese organizations invited me to speak in these areas. I always integrate Biblical principles into my teaching and speaking. Additionally, I was asked to teach Christian Education courses at Christian Witness Seminary. I also contributed articles on these subjects to Chinese Christian organizations. My areas of ministry have expanded beyond the church where Leon was called to pastor. This is something that I could not have dreamed of. My job has transformed my character too. I will expound on this in my later stories.