As the author and contributor, I was honored to abridge my article for Storyworth, which later turned it into the 2024 Mother’s Day Special podcast.
My Mother, the Eldest Daughter-in-law of an Extended Family
In my late twenties, I stepped into the role of a minister’s wife. Because of my inexperience, I often found myself unsure of how to navigate relationships across different age and language/dialect groups while serving in a Chinese-American church, which felt very much like an extended family. Mrs. Evelyn Shih (滌然), the wife of Rev. Torrey Shih (史祈生牧師) once wrote that a minister’s wife should take on the role of the eldest daughter-in-law in a large family (大家庭的長媳): a role defined by respect, steadfast care, love, and service while setting a positive example for others.
This description resonated deeply with me because it perfectly described my mother, who was the eldest daughter-in-law of a wealthy polygamous family. Her life provided me with a powerful model to emulate.
My mother performed many roles in our extended family. She not only cared for my father and my aging grandmother but also devoted herself to raising six children. Among them was my fifth brother, who had multiple disabilities. As his primary caregiver, my mother’s love and dedication were unwavering. She and my father exhausted their savings to cover his medical expenses, despite facing harsh judgment and criticism from the extended family. At that time, cultural norms often stigmatized families with disabled children, viewing them as bearers of divine punishment.
In addition to the burdens of caregiving in our nuclear family, my mother managed the complexities of a polygamous household with grace, balancing conflicting relationships without complaint. As the eldest daughter-in-law, she was expected — though this was rarely spoken aloud —to set an example for all the younger women in the family. She fulfilled this role with quiet strength, dignity, and resilience.
Now, looking back on over forty years as a minister’s wife, I am filled with gratitude for my mother’s influence. Her example has taught me how to cultivate a spirit of love, respect, care, and perseverance in my own life. Through her, I have learned what it means to serve selflessly and faithfully in my church, my extended family. I thank God for blessing me with a mother who embodies the essence of the eldest daughter-in-law. Her legacy continues to inspire me every day.
Description from Storyworth:
In honor of Mother’s Day, storyteller Frances chronicles her own mother’s life, marriage, and parenthood in 1940s China. Frances touches on the complex family dynamics and high expectations her mother learned to navigate, the political turmoil that forced her parents to flee to Hong Kong, and the opportunity that eventually brought Frances to the United States.
My mother, Kit Jing Chow, was born in Xiuquan, China in 1922. In Chinese, her name Kit means clean, and Jing means chaste. Together, the words mean pure and chaste.
My mother was the fourth child of her family. She had three older brothers, two younger brothers, and one younger sister.
I don’t know much about her childhood. I just know that with the outbreak of the Second World War, my mother did not finish her teaching training at Tsiu Kwan Teachers’ Training College. So instead of teaching, she stayed in her hometown and assisted her father in the family business.
My maternal grandfather had three stores selling dry seafood and high-end herbal medicines. My mother was one of the store’s accountants. She was not only skillful in doing calculations with an abacus, but she also wrote with beautiful Chinese calligraphy.
My parents were married in 1946 in Guangzhou, China. The matchmaker was a close relative whose husband was a judge, a reliable and reputable matchmaker, was thought to be one of the key elements that would guarantee a happy marriage. The reason my father chose my mother as his wife was because he believed my mother could handle the complicating relationships that existed in his own and extended family. My father knew that his wife would become the eldest daughter-in-law of a wealthy family with two mothers-in-law who were at odds with one another. It wasn’t an enviable role to play…
Speaker Biography:
Born in Hong Kong, Mrs. Frances Chow moved to North America to pursue her college and graduate studies. A seminary graduate, she is also a minister’s wife, mother, and grandmother. In addition, she dedicated 20 years to serving as a school psychologist and supervisor in the United States.
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